I am not the muffin.

"Have compassion for everyone you meet . . .What appears cynicism, conceit or bad manners is always a sign of things no ears have heard, no eyes have seen. You do not know what wars are going on down there where the spirit meets the bone."
-Miller Williams

I know this post has been a while in coming, but part of that is because it has been a bit difficult for me to articulate the full meaning of what happened in the account I am about to relate. I also am not resolved on my feelings, though I think I'm headed on a track that makes sense for me. But here we go.

When I was working in San Francisco, I often worked the 4:45am shift. The location of the store was in a touristy neighborhood where a good portion of our early customers were from the surrounding hotels.

One morning a man came in and bought two drinks and a muffin. I don't really recall our first interaction. Then, not much later him came back quite upset that I had given him the wrong muffin. He wanted, well his wife wanted, a bran muffin. I told him that the muffin I had given him was indeed our 12-grain bran muffin. He responded with "but there's crap all over the top of this one and it tastes gross!" For those of you who don't know, the starbucks 12-grain bran muffin has seeds and grains on the top of it, which many people think are delicious. I offered to exchange the muffin for another one. He was still really pissed. He continued on about how his wife had wanted and bran muffin and this was not what she wanted and so on. I offered to refund him for the muffin, at which he still ranted about the "wrongness" of the muffin he had received.

At this point there wasn't much else I could do. He could either have a refund, or a different muffin. That's all I can offer in my position. But it seemed to me that not only did he not want a new muffin or a refund, what he really wanted was somewhere to vent his frustrations about something larger or deeper going on in his life. From what I knew of the situation he had come to the store in the morning to get drinks and a muffin for his wife. Then he had to come back to return a muffin that wasn't for him in the first place. And this all happened at just after 5:30am. Now I have no idea what his relationship was like, why he was the one at sbux and his wife wasn't. I don't know what their confrontation over the muffin may have been. But I did know that I am not the muffin. I am not the target of his anger or frustration. I just happened to have gotten in the way of it briefly.

This is not a unique story. I am also not the latte or the breakfast sandwich or the bathroom that just ran out of toilet paper and we are busy and there wasn't an employee waiting at the door with a fresh roll in hand. But sometimes I feel like it. And this is part of my practice. Knowing and realizing that 99% of the time the interactions with my customers are not about me. Amazingly enough, as their starbucks barista, I am not actually the center of their universe. Perhaps the person with the intricately detailed drink order that needs to be 180 degrees with exactly a pump and a half of flavor syrup, needs somewhere in their life that they feel a degree of control. I don't know what "wars are going on down there where the spirit meets the bone".

Yet it is more complicated than this, because I have been questioning whether being, if not the recipient, at least in the way of others anger, bad attitudes, etc, is really ok for me to do. Is it fair to me? Am I allowing myself to be a target for others aggressions? Should I be sticking up for myself and saying to the customer, "you know sir, I am not this muffin, and you need to take your anger somewhere else because it is not appropriate here!" (but then I wonder, is it more appropriate here where I don't allow myself to be affected, than perhaps back in his hotel room directed at his wife where the situation could be potentially more volatile?)

I was talking to my friend Austin about this post recently and he raised the point that I was doing "emotional work", and he wondered if, as a female, I am more likely to be the recipient of people's behaviors that would require me to do this work? And I'm not sure. I don't think that there is some essential femaleness that I possess that make me more likely to take on this work, but then again...? I am socialized as a female in a society that has very specific roles for females so maybe?

When I comes down to it though, I feel good about this outlook to my work. I chose to respond to these people by trying to let their negativity roll by, or bounce off, or any other metaphor that means I don't let it in. I feel that in the long run, the amount of energy or work it takes to assume this behavior far outweighs what it would be like to identify with the muffin, to get angry in return.

For me, a big part of this spiritual practice is what Elizabeth brought up in her comment on the Miller Williams quote. She wrote, "whatever is going on with the other person is because of their own emotional stuff...it's given me so much more space to give people their own room to have whatever emotion they're having". And that's just it. Especially in a culture that doesn't want emotions in public that aren't on the happiness side of things. Providing space for emotion is a blessing we can give to others, and not beating ourselves up for things that have nothing really to do with us, is a blessing we can give ourselves.

In Faith,
and off to work,
KTM

Thanks!

Hey everyone!

Before I get to my next post, I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who has been reading and commenting on this blog. I really appreciate the support! I lot of what y'all have had to say has been very thought provoking, and I will plan to reflect on some your comments in future posts.

In Faith,
KTM

response to the last post's comments

I know I promised you all "I am not the muffin", and rest assured that post will be coming soon. But before I get there I wanted to respond to something that came up for me in the comments left on my last post.

But before I even get there... Thank you so much to everyone who has responded. I was a bit nervous and apprehensive about starting this blog. However, with every comment I get more and more excited about it. So thank you thank you.

Sherri commented in her response the following: "On the other hand fake niceness is better than true discourtesy."

Now I don't want to put words in Sherri's mouth, and I may be a bit off base in what she means here, but I disagree to some degree.

Though I'm not really into discourtesy, there are many many times I would prefer a truthful, if even painful, response, over fake niceness (be it in a work related or any other experience). This is just a personal preference, of course, but again, I want to get at what is of spiritual import to me underlying this preference.

Last Sunday, Rev. Chris Creathnenn told a great story during the service at First Unitarian Universalist Church Oakland. I can't do the story justice in my recounting of it, but let me try to give a brief outline. In the story there was a community of people who lived together and shared together and loved to listen. They would gather in a big circle and take turns just listening to what each other had to say, good, bad, sorrowful, silly, angry and so on. Then one day the town was taken over by big angry guards and some folks who seemed much like cruise activity directors (nothing against cruise directors themselves, I'm simply using this as a simile based on a stereotype). They told the community that from then on their would only be happiness. People had to smile all the time. They were even given face harnesses to keep them smiling. People were only allowed to be nice. This destroyed the community. In the end, the community stand up against the folks who had taken over, and they resume their old way of life.

This story was embedded in a larger worship service that was about witness. And what I resonated with was how the fake niceness denied everyone the ability to witness and to be witnessed. Without this, without being able to be true to what we feel and have people recognize that, without being able to recognize in others things besides niceness, we deny ourselves and others our wholeness. Our facades of "I'm ok, you're ok" keeps us separate and fragmented.

I also want to acknowledge that it can be really hard to let our hurt be witnessed. It is sometimes easier and safer to put up the barrier of fake niceness to protect ourselves. But let this not be our constant means of interaction.

I want to close this post with the quote that I meant to start "I'm not the muffin" with. It will end this well, and make a nice transition into my next post.

"Have compassion for everyone you meet . . .What appears cynicism, conceit or bad manners is always a sign of things no ears have heard, no eyes have seen. You do not know what wars are going on down there where the spirit meets the bone."
-Miller Williams

In Faith,
KTM

My job is to be nice.

For those who are not well versed in the training of a Starbucks Partner (as we are all called due to the fact that everyone is entitled to stock options and therefor "owns" part of the company), I would like to inform you that is it my job to be nice. It is in my job description. It was a big part of my training. In fact there is a whole program on being a nice person that is ongoing in the company. There are five characteristics in which we are encouraged to develop ourselves, and we are even given awards, and can give awards to others, who exemplify those behaviors. They include being welcoming, considerate and involved. Each behavior has a detailed explanation of ways that we could live them out in our daily life at work. But there is something strange about being paid to be nice, having it be part of my job, and not just a suggestion.

Talking with others outside of my job about this, we have agreed that there are uncomfortable feelings around the required niceness of those in sales positions. After explaining this niceness training to a friend, she had the experience of going into a sbux and the girl who waited on her complimented her shirt. At first she felt great, thinking her carefully chosen fabulous wardrobe had been recognized and praised. But then she worried that maybe it was only because the girl was doing her job, and perhaps didn't really care for her shirt at all.

Which leads to the question, does being required to be nice undermine real human interaction? Does it make us fake, disingenuous or insincere?

And here begins one aspect of the spiritual practice.

Becuase I believe that all people deserve to be treated with dignity, and that all people have God within them, I decided to use this required niceness as a way to practice recognizing the beauty and humanity in each person (which is certainly not the easiest thing to do at 5am when someone is rude about their coffee order).

To wax a bit theological here, Martin Buber, Jewish theologian and philosopher wrote of existence as encounter. We can encounter in different ways. According to Buber there is the Ich-Es (I-It) encounter and the Ich-Du (I-Thou) encounter. In the first instance, we encounter something/someone as an objectified being. We project onto the other preconceived notions. We see them as something to be used for our own benefit. Though Buber's work goes much deeper into these concept, expanding and further developing them, what I take from this does not require that we journey that far together right now.

To me, the interaction as barista to customer, with the superimposed facade of paid-for-friendliness, embodies the I-It encounter. The problem with this for me is that when I encounter someone in a way that is a living manifestation of the I-It concept, I am not recognizing them as whole people. I am not acknowledging their humanity. Instead I see only their complicated and annoying coffee order, or the fact that they don't take the time to uncrumple their money. Even when I smile politely and ensure them I hope they have a great day, I am only following protocol and not allowing my heart to be truly open to these people.

Granted, more often than not I have about 30 seconds with each customer. This is not a lot of time to provide a soul reaching, uplifting, I-Thou encounter. But it is more than enough time to be present and genuine in how I act. Each customer provides me with a moment, a chance, to practice mindfulness. They give me the opportunity to remember that each one of us deserves to be treated with as a whole person, and act that out.

So what makes this that different than the paid-for-friendliness? I think what it comes down to is intention. I am friendly because I think it is part of living out what I believe in. I would be friendly even if I didn't get awards or pay raises because of it.

By approaching this work as a spiritual practice, I am able to work on turning my required niceness into a practice of mindful recognition of the wondrous humanity I am surrounded with. And often I am blessed with a reciprocation of such recognition. Of course I am not perfect at this. I know that there are plenty of times I don't live up to this goal. But I keep trying, and that's why it's a practice. When I notice myself getting fake or grumpy or tired, I have to take a breath and remember that this is not easy. I can't get down on myself as I sometimes want to. Sometimes I even have to make a quick garbage run or trip to the bathroom, not to use the facilaties as intend, but to take a moment to myself to recenter.

With Faith I shall keep practicing,
KTM

and tune in next time for "I am not the muffin: an exercise in self- differentiation"

Welcome!

Hey everyone! Thanks for stopping by.

To start off this little adventure, let me start by giving some background on the project.

Almost three years ago I embarked on an adventure called "Seminary". Since then I have done many wonderful and some mind numbingly dull things with my life... from amazing classes to crappy jobs. I've served coffee, organized seminarians, taught snobby students about the SAT, and for the last six months or so I've been working as a "Starbucks Partner - Barista". Prior to getting this job I spent a little over a month looking for work. I had promising interviews, only to be let down when jobs turned out not to be available, or a better candidate came along, and so on. Starbucks has been a company that I have been wary of in the past. Running in activist circles, starbucks is not the beverage you want to show up with to a meeting, rally, consensus process, etc. But they were hiring, and I had the skills they were looking for, and in a few days I was employed. I only had to maintain 20hrs a week and I would even get health benefits (which, if i had a partner of any gender, they would have too).

The first few days of work there were frustrating. Coffee shop work can feel very unfulfilling especially in contrast to wrestling with difficult theo/ealogical concepts, anti-oppression work, and call to ministry afforded to me at school. So I decided if I was going to keep my job, and not feel empty at the end of each shift, or worse, like I has just spent my precious time working for a company that perpetuates problems in our society (while still being a good company to work for in a lot of ways), that I needed a new outlook on the job. An outlook that wasn't just "this is my crappy job that helps get me through school and provides health insurance and therefore I am justified in doing it." I needed something that provided my work with meaning and importance in my life. So I came up with the idea of treating my job as a spiritual practice. I mostly kept the idea to myself. Not as a secret or anything, it just never really came up. So I plugged away at my job, trying hard to live my faith in my interactions, and life went on.

A few months later I had my portfolio conference at school. For this event I had two faculty members, one student and one community person present to talk with my about my work at seminary and my goals for the future. Prior to the conference I had given each of the a packet that represented my work so far, and what idea I was interested in continuing to pursue. It was during that conference that I mentioned my "Starbucks as a Spiritual Practice" plan, and it was suggested that it would make a great blog.

That was in December. Now it is February. But it is of course, not to late to get such a thing started, so here I am.

Hopefully this blog will give me an outlet to process the spiritual work I am doing at my job, and a forum to articulate what that means for me. Also, I would love to engage in dialog with others about this experience, so please feel free and encouraged to comment on my posts. I look forward to it.

In Faith,
KTM